What I've Become Aware of Since Attending SFUAD

I used to think I was fine with being myself. Back at home in Lubbock, TX, I used to ridicule my friend Josh for always dwelling on what others thought. I told him he needed to live in the moment, be his own person and not care about other's opinions of him.

It was only recently that I realized I was such a hypocrite. 

Who was I to say, "Be your own person"? I didn't even know who I was, and I still don't. 

Who was I to advise, "Ignore the negative opinions of your peers, parents and pastors"? Didn't I try to please and impress all of those people every minute of every day? Wasn't I the one who was always secretly afraid of what the world my think of me? 

Who was I to say any of this?

I think the whole time I was subconsciously telling myself off for being so compliant with the wishes of the world. Sure I talked big, and occasionally I'd actually walk the talk, but truthfully I was scared shitless just like Josh. Scared of what people would think because I loved them and they loved me.

Here ... I don't know anyone. I haven't had years to accumulate feelings of love for them and so I honestly don't give shit about what they think of me. It's funny, in a place so unfamiliar I've never felt so able to be me. It's a new start. I can be whomever I want to be.

I'm not sure I've actually learned anything yet. I think I'm still in the process of learning. All I know is that I now have somewhere to go, and that's enough.